By: Siani Ellis, 10th grade
I’m not sure if it’s just me, but, I spend my every waking moment wishing I could emulate the life of a millionaire, perhaps by using a set of emojis designed specifically after that person… Someone who truly deserves their fame, someone who has worked tirelessly to deserve an entire keyboard of cartoon duck-face selfies. Maybe someone
like a Kardashian.
If you also envision what I have just described, then your luck is about to change. Since making hundreds of millions of dollars on her first app wasn’t enough, icon Kim Kardashian West annihilated the Apple App Store once again – with over 9,000 downloads per millisecond on her launch day- with her new Kimoji app. And she has fulfilled my every hope and dream in the process. Because this app, above all others, was the one app humanity needs to make an impact in the world.
Not only has she created this completely essential app, but she is charging me $1.99 in order to download it. I guess she really needs the extra money to help remodel her $20 million Hidden Hills estate. Or maybe she’s using the money to start a charity for her hair. Who knows?
But Kimojis only get better. This magnificent substance abuse, promiscuous behavior-promoting app doesn’t even use real emojis. When sending a Kimoji, it appears as an SMS/photo rather than an emoji that I can embed in my text. Kim knows me so well. Imean, all I ever wanted was to pay two bucks for fake emojis to send to my all my friends. (And anyone else- everyone deserves a Kimoji.)
So I just have one thing to say: thank you, Kim Kardashian West. Thank you for asking me, a teenage girl with a middle-class lifestyle, to spend my hard earned money on your indispensable app.
Thank you for advocating drug and alcohol use as well as profligate,degrading, disgraceful, and vulgar activities. I just know my parents will be proud, and yours too. But above all, thank you for being such a marvelous role model for myself, and other adolescents just like me. You truly are marvelous.
Oh yeah, and if you’re reading this: don’t waste your money on the Kimoji app. Trust me, you can live without it.
Thanks for reading!